I’m Flo

I’m 33 years old, happily married to a man I love very much and I hate my job.

I don’t just mean on a Monday or when it’s really busy, I mean every day I wake up dreading going to work. I go to sleep at night with a head full of worries that wake me up every few hours and it’s all work related. The funny thing is, I don’t even particularly care about what it is that I do, I don’t work for a charity, I don’t work in politics or do anything very important but it seems to cause me so much anxiety that I can’t sleep at night.

I like most of the people that I work with, we have a coffee machine that we sometimes have coffee for and I don’t have to get the tube to work but apart from that, it’s rubbish. I don’t mean to start off on a negative note but this is the reason why I have decided that I need to make a change.

For as long as I can remember I have dreamt of writing my own book…… Now, I do realise that I am not alone on this one and that lots of people feel that they have a novel inside them somewhere that they will one day write. However, the urge to do so combined with the hatred for my current career has spurred me in to turning this dream in to a reality, or at least trying to.

I am not a writer (I’m sure you will have realised that by now) but I write at weekends and on some evenings. I write when I’m at work…. I open up an email and pretend to be engrossed in conversation with a tricky client when really I am having conversations with imaginary characters in a world that exists solely in my head.

I am not a ‘do-er’. I know that I am capable of some things if I put my mind to them and I am not an idiot but I don’t really take risks. I am an introvert, a loner and a pesimist…. I sound a delight, don’t I? What I mean is that for me, this is not the norm. I’m not the type of person to jack it all in and say what the hell, lets just do it. But as of today I have decided that I will do exactly that.

I refuse to spend any longer hating what I do. These are supposed to be the best years of my life, I have so much to be happy about and I owe it to myself to at least try.

What if I fail? Well…. this is very likely and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care, but my other options is unthinkable. To stay in my mind numbingly boring job for the rest of my adult life having never tried would be heartbreaking. I know that in my old age sadness would swallow me whole because I never took the chance.

I have never been one to back myself – I never went to a school sports day for fear of being picked last and letting the whole team down by dropping the ball. If I didn’t compete then I couldn’t lose…. this has been my attitude throughout my life so far. Well…. I need that to change. If I am ever to succeed I need to believe that I can. Easier said than done and any tips on how to do this would be most welcome!

I’m fortunate that I’ve put some savings aside and can take a few months off work. I may be eating beans on toast for the next six months but thankfully I don’t mind cheap wine so I think I’ll survive.

Timing – I’ve made up my mind and now I have to take action before I wimp out and change it again. I will hand in my notice this week and will tell them I want to leave by October.

Thank you for reading.

Love

Flo    x

Next time – I haven’t always hated my job. I used to be a professional TV and Film actress and will share a bit more about that next time along with an update on my writing journey 🙂

 

 

 

3 thoughts on “What if……

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