Alone

Well so much has happened the past couple of weeks but so little has moved on that I haven’t really known what to write about.

When I left you last I had quit my job and was full of excitement about what was to come. Unfortunately I have to give two months notice so I am still sat at my desk every day bored stiff and dreaming of the future until they release me in six weeks time.

My husband, who is an actor, has got a part in a play that is due to go on tour for three months in Dubai in a week’s time so we are spending as much time together as possible before he goes.

This has all left me in a state of limbo. So much is about to happen but none of it is happening yet. Everything is just the same as it always was but is all about to change. This makes me feel excited but also very nervous and apprehensive. Not only am I about to embark on a new career but I am now doing it on my own, really and truly on my own. Of course, with technology nowadays I will be able to see his face every day and we can speak and text when we like but I will not have him to curl up against every night.

Honestly though – I know that I will miss him very much but I am also quite looking forward to being alone. When we read we escape in to our own little world and hide there until it’s time to face reality again. I think writing is like this too. I will be able to write without guilt, without wanting to pop to the shops to get something nice for us to have for dinner, without the temptation to flop in front of the TV and eat ice cream….. well, the temptation will be lessened somewhat at least.

Some things are more fun when done with others; Eating, drinking, long walks. And some things are just better when you do them on your own; Reading a good book for instance. I personally can’t even have the radio on in the background when I read as I will be singing along in my head instead of reading what is on the page (I’m not the best at concentrating on two things at once or blocking out background noise). Besides, I’ve always been fine when it’s just myself for company.

When you create something from nothing you need to look inwards. I have an idea and I need to pull it up very gently from somewhere deep and put it on paper. I’ve never been one for gardening, but I see my story as a bit like a tree. Below the ground are all of the characters and the back story to each of them, then there’s the trunk which is the story that they tell, then you’ve got the leaves and the fruit or blossoms which give the story colour and make the reader feel things.

I’m working on the trunk at the moment but my roots aren’t deep enough and I’m already thinking about cherry blossom!

Maybe that’s OK….. I’ve not done this before so I don’t really know the right way to write a novel, if there is such thing as a right way to write a novel. In fact, I am learning that I don’t know very much about writing a book at all and sometimes that scares the hell out of me! But then I remember that this is supposed to be enjoyable. As long as I enjoy the process and I enjoy what I read back to myself then hopefully I am on the right track. We all want to escape sometimes, sometimes it’s what saves us, and to me, burying your head in a book is one of the best ways to do that. I hope that I can create an escape for someone, a tree that they can climb when the ground gets too hard.

Love

 

Flo

 

x

 

 

 

Daily Prompt: Recite

I spend a lot of time on the phone. The majority of my working day is spent with a receiver in one hand and a pen in the other. Taking notes about how I can help the person on the other end of the line, relieved when it’s not for me and I can just pass them over to someone else.

Most of the other people in my office spend their time much the same way. Matthew has a stutter, I think people quite like this about him, it makes him seem approachable and genuine. Tanya SHOUTS and Neil is pretty much always rude to the person he’s speaking to.

You start to notice people’s favourite phrases, the things they recite over and over again, no matter who they are talking to.

It’s not an exact science – Translation: I can answer your question but if I’m wrong then it’s not my fault.

Help us to help you – Translation: Yes you will eventually pay us for doing a job for you but until then please make it as easy as possible for us.

Leave it with me – Translation: I haven’t done what you have asked me to do so I will go and do it now and then call you back.

My personal favourite is one of Matthews……

It’s like comparing a Waitrose Chicken with a Sainsbury’s Chicken, you put a chicken in Waitrose packaging and it instantly becomes more valuable, although the product is almost the same people are happy to pay more because of the brand – Translation: Yes we will charge you more money than everyone else, but Waitrose do too so it’s OK.

I kid you not, he says this at least twice a day!

Mind you, I do buy my chicken from Waitrose so there’s probably some truth in it 🙂9f7ff6a3-e990-4c82-9894-2a7e0e12fb63.png

Love

Flo xx

 

 

 

 

 

via Daily Prompt: Recite

Selfish

Is is realistic to expect to enjoy what you do for a living?

Work is work, it is not called fun because it isn’t fun. We get up and go to work every morning to make money so that we can afford to do things that are enjoyable – like going on holiday or eating nice food. Or perhaps we just do it to survive; to have a roof over our heads and shoes to wear. But perhaps you can find a career that you feel passionate about, I believe that there are many people out there who have. Perhaps when things go wrong and you are doing a job that you really care about it is more bearable because you know deep down that it’s worthwhile, that when things are good they are brilliant and nothing is wonderful all the time but some things are worth fighting for.

Is it greedy to expect to get paid for doing something that you enjoy?

It seems logical to presume that most people get a job doing something that they are good at, something that their skills can adapt to, after all, being good at something usually brings about a certain amount of enjoyment and we usually get some sort of fulfilment from doing a job well. But what if you really don’t enjoy what you do, should you stick with it because it’s not meant to be fun and it pays the bills? Or do you throw caution to the wind and try to find something that you do enjoy, even if it means you or your family may suffer financially for a while?

I am being selfish by making this decision – Fact. But I am hoping that the reward will be, not only a better life for me, but for my husband, for a better future for us both.

Everything will be OK in the end, and if it isn’t OK then it isn’t the end 🙂 IMG_0084

Love

Flo xxx

 

 

I Quit!

After a morning spent tearing my hair out whilst trying to get my self hosted account up and running and getting precisely nowhere, I got to work twenty minutes late and more determined than ever to dedicate my time doing something that I enjoy. Provided it doesn’t involve too much tech; I have discovered I am completely incapable when it comes to computers. An hour into my ‘chat’ with Rakesh it was clear that he and I were speaking entirely different languages; Rakesh – Computers, Me – Great Grandma trying to send a text message. After apologising profusely for being such an idiot I told him that I had to go to work and to just cancel my account.

So that was the first thing I quit today!

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Work is quiet at the moment so the people I needed to speak to about handing in my notice were off running personal errands but when they finally were in the office at the same time I asked if I could have a chat with them in the Kitchen.

I’d like to hand in my notice.

“Oh no! Why?” – Shocked faces from both Mr and Mrs head of office

I’ve been thinking about it for a while now, I’m not going to competetor, I don’t want to work for another agency at all, I just don’t feel that this job is right for me.

Oh right….. do you have another job to go to? – Concerned faces

No. 

And what would you like to do instead? 

I want to write a book. – I then feel foolish for saying this so add that I may also try and get back in to acting to make it all sound a bit more like something that I may actually be able to do.

Yes, well you are quite creative…. Well, we never thought it would be you who would resign, some of the others yes, but not you. 

And that was the second time today that I quit!

A few months ago I didn’t think it would have been me either but something has changed recently, something about my outlook on life. I’m 33 and I don’t have any children and there may not be another time in my life when I am able to be truly selfish and do something that is just for me. I would love to be happy in my current job, I would love to be content and for a few years I was, but then I think how would I feel if I was still sitting in the same chair in ten years time and I know that this job isn’t for me. I would be utterly miserable if I knew that I was going to be doing this for the rest of my working life and if I don’t do this now then I will most likely never do it at all. And wouldn’t that be a shame 😉

I felt a knot unfurl in my stomach when I finally told them, a sense of relief.

Now that I’m home I feel something a little different. I keep telling myself that I’ve done the right thing, that I won’t regret this decision but there’s a niggly little voice in my head that is saying what the hell have you just done!’ and it’s getting a little harder to ignore.

Have I done the right thing? I don’t know, but I do know that if I keep doubting that I have I will certainly fail. So, I need to tell myself every day that I am doing this for the right reasons and it is most certainly the right thing to have done, that there was no better option, that I will succeed no matter what. And hopefully I will drown out that negative little voice and really come to believe what I’m telling myself.

That’s the plan anyway!

I’ve been rabbiting on so much that I haven’t told you about my acting career. It may not be of interest to anyone anyway but I will make sure that I write a bit about it tomorrow as it may show that I do at least have some sort of idea as to what I’m getting in to.

Love

Flo xx

 

 

 

What if……

I’m Flo

I’m 33 years old, happily married to a man I love very much and I hate my job.

I don’t just mean on a Monday or when it’s really busy, I mean every day I wake up dreading going to work. I go to sleep at night with a head full of worries that wake me up every few hours and it’s all work related. The funny thing is, I don’t even particularly care about what it is that I do, I don’t work for a charity, I don’t work in politics or do anything very important but it seems to cause me so much anxiety that I can’t sleep at night.

I like most of the people that I work with, we have a coffee machine that we sometimes have coffee for and I don’t have to get the tube to work but apart from that, it’s rubbish. I don’t mean to start off on a negative note but this is the reason why I have decided that I need to make a change.

For as long as I can remember I have dreamt of writing my own book…… Now, I do realise that I am not alone on this one and that lots of people feel that they have a novel inside them somewhere that they will one day write. However, the urge to do so combined with the hatred for my current career has spurred me in to turning this dream in to a reality, or at least trying to.

I am not a writer (I’m sure you will have realised that by now) but I write at weekends and on some evenings. I write when I’m at work…. I open up an email and pretend to be engrossed in conversation with a tricky client when really I am having conversations with imaginary characters in a world that exists solely in my head.

I am not a ‘do-er’. I know that I am capable of some things if I put my mind to them and I am not an idiot but I don’t really take risks. I am an introvert, a loner and a pesimist…. I sound a delight, don’t I? What I mean is that for me, this is not the norm. I’m not the type of person to jack it all in and say what the hell, lets just do it. But as of today I have decided that I will do exactly that.

I refuse to spend any longer hating what I do. These are supposed to be the best years of my life, I have so much to be happy about and I owe it to myself to at least try.

What if I fail? Well…. this is very likely and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care, but my other options is unthinkable. To stay in my mind numbingly boring job for the rest of my adult life having never tried would be heartbreaking. I know that in my old age sadness would swallow me whole because I never took the chance.

I have never been one to back myself – I never went to a school sports day for fear of being picked last and letting the whole team down by dropping the ball. If I didn’t compete then I couldn’t lose…. this has been my attitude throughout my life so far. Well…. I need that to change. If I am ever to succeed I need to believe that I can. Easier said than done and any tips on how to do this would be most welcome!

I’m fortunate that I’ve put some savings aside and can take a few months off work. I may be eating beans on toast for the next six months but thankfully I don’t mind cheap wine so I think I’ll survive.

Timing – I’ve made up my mind and now I have to take action before I wimp out and change it again. I will hand in my notice this week and will tell them I want to leave by October.

Thank you for reading.

Love

Flo    x

Next time – I haven’t always hated my job. I used to be a professional TV and Film actress and will share a bit more about that next time along with an update on my writing journey 🙂